Full Disclosure

I have a non-sexual crush on Will Smith. Sometimes I dream about just hanging out with the guy. When I wake up from those dreams, I'm actually disappointed that it was just a dream. There have been times I've thought of moving to California just so I could babysit for his kids, and maybe when my shift is over and he and Jada come home from hanging out at the hippest L.A. club he'll offer me a ride home and ask if I want to stop for a beer. I bet he drinks some funky imported beer none of us have ever heard of. But when he orders, I'll say "the same for me" as if I drink it all the time.

I hate Ray Romano. He owes me money. Actually, he doesn't owe me money, but he does owe me every part of my life he's stolen when I flipped past "Everybod Loves Raymond" while looking for anything Will Smith stars in. And I hate him for ruining Peter Boyle for me. He is and always will be Young Frankenstein. Ray made him his dad, and that just upsets me to no end.

No matter what anyone says, no matter how anti-geek one may be, Patrick Stewart is cool. Here's a guy with a reputation in England as a great Shakesperean actor who rose to prominence in a country that really matters (that's the US) as both Captain Jean-Luc Picard and Professer X! And as Shakesperean as he may be, he's still got the time to do the voice for shows like American Dad. Christ, the guy was even in Dune. Dune! What the hell was that all about?

So far as I'm concerned, Gary Oldman is the best actor ever. He's played Lee Harvey Oswald, Dracula, Sid Vicious, a young Comissioner Gordon, Pontius Pilate, Harry Potter's godfather, a weird, drugged out cop in The Professional and a black guy in True Romance. A black guy! I bet on Christmas his older, less-talented brother always gets to be Santa and everyone in his family wishes Gary would do it. Damn the guy is good.

Meanwhile, Christopher Walken couldn't act to save his life. Whenever he's in a movie, he's just Christopher Walken. And that scares the crap out of me because he's perfect in every role he's ever played. The man's just a freak. You should shiver when you watch him.

Finally, I'm in love with Nicole Koglin. I wish I knew someone who knew someone who knew her, because I'd have that person pass the other person a note to give to Nicole. It would be on loose-leaf paper and tell her I liked her and asked if she liked me with two checkboxes, one saying "Yes" and the other saying "No." She's the reason I get up on Saturdays and Sundays. When she went on vacation recently I slept straight through entire weekends. I'd be happy if I got the note back and she drew her own box that said "Maybe."

And that's the sum total of me...at least for right now.