COB XXXI: Dear Casper

Dear Casper,
I'm having a problem with my husband. Lately it seems as if he's always depressed. Once he told me that it just seems like there isn't any point anymore. When I asked him to be more specific, he just said nevermind. I'm really worried about him, but if he won't tell me what the problem is, I can't help him. And I must ask him to open up to me at least twenty times a day. I suggested he see a doctor, but he refuses. Please help me!

Dearest Reader,
First off, doctors are good for a lot of things, especially if you have a nail in your head or a pack of dogs just attacked you. Frankly, though, I think your husband's problem can best be summed up with one word: You! For crying out loud, lady, cut the guy some slack. If you're nagging him from sun up to sun down, chances are the poor guy can't get a word in edgewise! I'm willing to bet he's already told you dozens of times what the problem is, but in my quasi-professional opinion, I'm guessing that you're just not paying attention. If you ask me, and you did, I suggest you have a nice thick steak and a bottle of expensive scotch waiting for him the next time he comes home. And then, if he finally makes up his mind to tell you what's bugging him, don't be surprised if he spends a lot of time looking in your direction.

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Dear Casper,
I'm a drill sergeant in the United State Marines. With as disciplined a life as I've lead, for the life of me I can't figure out my good-for-nothing son. He's extremely overweight, spends his days reading comics, and procrastinates with just about everything. He did quite well in school, but shows no interest in furthering his education. What can I do to get him motivated and off my couch?

Dearest Reader,
Let me get this straight. You're a military lifer, have probably busted enough heads to make Mike Tyson jealous, and you don't know how to handle your fat, lazy son? My first word of advice to you is retire! If you can't handle that slug making a permanent impression of his ass on your sofa, you're probably doing far worse for the security of our nation than anything any politician could ever dream of doing! Take your pension and go on a nice vacation far, far away from your troubles at home. And as for your son, maybe if you would have spent a little more time impressing your values on him when he was a child, he wouldn't be the sorry excuse for a human being he is now. He's a lost cause, and no amount of ranting and raving is going to change a thing. Or you could just bring a gun home from work and threaten him or something. Your choice.

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Dear Casper,
I'm twelve years old and I'm fighting with my friend. I told her I want to be a politician when I grow up, but she said that is a stupid idea. Now we haven't talked for a week. She's my best friend, and I really miss her.

Dearest Reader,
The first thing to keep in mind is that no relationship is perfect all the time, unless you're having one with yourself, in which case you'll eventually go blind. You're probably far too young to understand that, so ask your mother to explain it to you. Anyway, while I commend you for having such high aspirations at such a young age, I have to agree with your friend. Being a politician is a thankless job. And even though you most likely hope to get into politics to serve your country, you'll eventually find yourself ignoring your constituency and completely losing sight of why you chose to be an elected official in the first place. Now I know I'm using a lot of big words here, so let me just say that if you become a politician, you'll keep losing friends for the rest of your life. I recommend you consider something a little more rewarding, such as trash collection.

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Casper is a completely unqualified advice columnist. His opinions in no way reflect those of Ask Me Later, or even himself for that matter. Should you ever find yourself facing a true dilemma, don't bother asking him because his advice probably stinks. In fact, don't ever write to a newspaper advice columnist unless it's really the only way you'll see your writing in print, you're desperate for attention or really have no friends. Nevertheless, Casper would like to thank his tireless staff of research assistants: Elliot, Grumps, Brent, Dad29, Nick, Peter, Clint, Belle, Fred, Jay, Sean, Patrick, Mike and Jenna.