The best advice I can offer

At one point during the bloggers' conference, I leaned over to my buddy Jules and wondered aloud who the hot blonde in front of us was. Considering Ask Me Later is the only blog he reads, I shouldn't have been surprised that he didn't know.

But had he known the answer, he probably would have said something like, "she's the one who hates poop in the lake and has problems with rutabaga."

Now, I'm not one to plug another blogger simply for the sake of gaining their undying appreciation, but I am one who loves a blogger who, like Ragnar Mentaire and Triticale, occasionally deviates from hard-hitting political commentary and shares a little something that everyone can appreciate.

But if there's one thing I'm not giving up, it's my secret recipes. Actually, I'm usually well pickled when I cook, so I honestly have no idea what the recipe is for anything I make. All I know is that there's lots of butter. And bacon. Bacon and butter. Bacon butter. Now there's a million dollar idea.

Nevertheless, I will share the following with everyone, hoping that anyone who reads this promptly makes one for his or herself or orders one at their nearest and favoritist watering hole.

The Perfect Martini
Fill a glass with ice and water and place in the freezer. Take several ounces of Level vodka and a bunch of ice. Put them in a shaker. Glance at a bottle of vermouth. DO NOT ANYTHING FURTHER WITH SAID VERMOUTH. Shake vigorously. Shake again. Wink at the nearest person of the opposite sex. Remove glass from freezer and empty water and ice. Blow kiss at another person of the opposite sex. Empty shaker into glass. Garnish with olives stuffed with either blue cheese or anchovies.

If made properly, the martini will taste like water and you will be able to say to your friends, "watch this" and slam it in one gulp. Repeat the above recipe as many times as required with intermittent compliments to Casper.

And whatever you do, for the love of all that's holy, if you drive, drive fast so you're off the road before you hurt anyone.