Saturday, July 15, 2006

Dear Voter:

I hope you're having a wonderful summer. So far Wisconsin has enjoyed beautiful weather, allowing us and our visitors to get outdoors and experience our state's unparalleled natural resources. But, as we all know, global warming is seasonal, and far too soon these long, hot days will grow shorter and cooler. Before you know it, you'll be celebrating Labor Day, Halloween and Thanksgiving.

And let's not forget Election Day.

As many of you may or may not be beware, two great Americans recently announced their withdrawal from a critical election this fall. Though I was disappointed to learn voters had lost the chance to choose from two excellent candidates when voting against incumbent Senator Herb Kohl, I respect their decision. And I'm honored to learn that such distinguished gentlemen have offered their unfaltering support for me as an independent write-in candidate for every election in Wisconsin this year.

Countless seats are open in both state-wide and local elections. In some cases, numerous candidates are already on the ballot. This means voters will need to distinguish between a variety of platforms in many races, often making it difficult to confidently choose a candidate who truly represents you.

You may recall I've indicated my platform is not set in stone, and subject to the desires of whichever constituency I may be selected to represent. However, I feel it only fair to share with you some of my beliefs. Please keep in mind these are neither campaign promises nor examples of an established platform. Rather, consider them campaign platform suggestions.

Taxes
Yes, some believe taxes are too high. Others say the government needs to tax more. To satisfy both sides of the argument, I suggest that taxes are just right. I'll never vote for a new one and never try to get rid of an existing one.

Stem Cell Research
I'm a strong advocate of technological advancement and the field of stem cell research, particularly for the purposes of cloning. Should I be elected to multiple seats, I will require several clones of myself.

Gun Control
Guns can destroy lives. And deer. And those pesky stop signs. What's important to remember about firearms is that they are only as bad as in whose hands they're held. That's why I support a gun control program I call Gun Redistribution. Gun owners will be required to turn in all of their weapons to me and I will re-distribute them to those who will use them safely, legally and for attacking tin cans. Guns will remain on our streets, but this time, in the right hands.

Abortion
I will not touch this one with a ten-foot pole for anything less than a $100 million campaign contribution.

Gay Marriage
I believe homosexuals need spend more time with heterosexual married couples. Eventually, they'll be happy they can't get married.

Flag Burning
American's have a Constitutional right to express their beliefs by burning the flag. Just don't try it in front of me.

As I've said, these are merely suggestions. I remain committed to hearing how you would like me to represent you.

Please remember, this fall, write in Casper.

Sincerely,
Casper

5 Comments:

At 2:44 PM, July 15, 2006, Blogger Clint said...

And for the right campaign contribution you can change your opinion too.

 
At 1:00 AM, July 16, 2006, Blogger realdebate said...

I have a great idea for a campaign comercial.

 
At 10:34 AM, July 16, 2006, Blogger Casper said...

Fred, I may need a campaign manager.

 
At 12:43 PM, July 16, 2006, Blogger Aaron said...

Yes, some believe taxes are too high. Others say the government needs to tax more. To satisfy both sides of the argument, I suggest that taxes are just right. I'll never vote for a new one and never try to get rid of an existing one.

Way to take a stand, Goldilocks.

 
At 11:48 AM, July 18, 2006, Blogger sliverthetomcat said...

Do you have any qualifications?
Really any, any at all?

 

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