The Pack is Growing

A 42-year-old satanic vampire named Jonathon “The Impaler” Sharkey has thrown his hat in the ring for the presidency as the Vampire, Witches and Pagan Party. Unfortunately, most of his platform consists of impaling President George W. Bush, which has attracted the attention of the Secret Service.

This article is just chock full of great quotes...

According to Sharkey, Secret Service agents visited him and his 19-year-old
wife, Spree, in Ohio on Feb. 15. The visit concerned Sharkey’s repeated remarks
about impaling Bush, an act Sharkey said he would only do if he were elected
president.

“They never even asked to see my impaling stick,”
Sharkey said.

[...]

“They were telling me, when they were interrogating me, that their job was
to protect Bush even after he’s out of office,” Sharkey said. “I’m looking at
them like, ‘Oh, you’re going to defy me when I become president?’”

[...]

“Under the First Amendment, what it boils down to here is whether or not
he’s a vampire who wants to impale the president,” Richards said. “I guess the
question is, if he’s a vampire, why is he the one staking people? Shouldn’t he
want to bite the president and feed on him? [This], I suppose, is perhaps
further evidence that this is not a true threat.”

Although I've already announced the formation of my presidential exploratory committee, this guy being in the race makes me a bit nervous.