Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Real Life

Approximately two weeks ago, I arrived at work to find an e-mail in my inbox from the person who broke my heart. Up until that point, I had heard little to nothing from her. The night before I received the e-mail I had a number of people asking me how I was doing and I was able to answer with confidence that things were actually going well. But, basically, this hit me like a ton of bricks. More accurately, a ton of bricks secured in a radioactive lead-lined container covered with sharp stakes.

While at first I handled it in a dignified manner, the truth is that I couldn’t imagine what motivated her to send it to me. I asked friends for their thoughts...and I thank them all for their feedback and support. What followed were countless e-mails and text messages between her and me that left me with the impression she very much wanted to be a part of my life once again. I asked if she was f***ing with me. She said she could never do that. I was torn. I was a wreck. Part of me was ecstatic. Part of me was desperate. My emotional stability was crumbling. has been real fun.

Late last night I received a text message from her telling me to check my e-mail. So I did. Here’s what it said:

Please don't think I am blowing you off. I have realy been extremly busy. I
hired a new groomer and have been trying to prepare for her as well as the
thanksgiving rush. I have a busy weekend but can prob. get together on Sun. if
you want to meet for coffee or something. I would love to get back in touch with
you but I also feel the need to stress to you that I can offer you nothing more
than my friendship. [Name removed] and I are still together and doing very well. I hope the same is true of you. Again, I am not avoiding you. If you want to meet for coffee on Sun. let me know.

Emphasis mine.

I crashed. Big time. What followed, starting at around 11pm, was me sending her e-mails, text messages and voice mails pretty much letting her know how I felt (which I’m sure you can imagine were all very pleasant). Then I went through a nice little purging exercise where I attempted to eliminate any remnant of communication we’d recently had. When I found myself sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the wall and literally shaking, I decided that the only way I would get any sleep would be if I self-medicated.

It’s amazing how I react to one Benadryl.

Now it’s 5am. Benadryl usually puts me down for much longer, but I woke up and shot out of bed, thoughts of last night racing through my head.

Yeah, I know. I’m probably not handling this in the best manner possible. I’m probably being melodramatic and could stand a good slap to the face and someone telling me to suck it up and be a man. But the truth is that I loved this woman more than anyone I have ever loved in my life. On one hand, that means that I have to deal with the pain of losing her...again. On the other hand, it means I have to come to terms with just how piss poor my judgment is when it comes to who I love.

Again. Life. Fun.

Anyway, I hope this is the last time that not only I have to deal with this situation, but also the last time you have to hear about it. The only post I had hoped to make today was a nice little video I made before anything happened last night...and oddly enough has nothing to do with any of it. I just liked the song (2 points if you know what show it’s from) and wanted to share.


At 8:46 AM, November 22, 2006, Blogger elliot said...

"Real men" are strong enough to mourn a lost love.

Take all the time you need, Cas. (Though, I am always willing to slap you if the occasion calls for it. ;)

At 10:03 AM, November 22, 2006, Blogger Casper said...

Thanks bud. You're assured the first spot in the line when the slapping starts.

At 1:09 PM, November 22, 2006, Blogger sliverthetomcat said...

You know, I would have done the same things that you did.

Let me know if I can help.

At 5:41 PM, November 23, 2006, Blogger Peter said...

What goes around, comes around in life. My dad taught me that a long time ago. Sooner or later people get what's coming to them. You can only hope you are there to see it. But rest assured it will happen.

If I had a dime for every person that has treated me that way, I'd never have to work again. Some of them have essentially taken advantage of one of my weaknesses to get thousands of dollars out of me in the process of leading me toward a conclusion that would never happen.

I guess I've hd the privilege of telling a few jerks like that off, not caring about burning any bridges.

At 5:45 PM, November 23, 2006, Blogger Peter said...

You can't be the only person this individual has treated badly. To me, it reflects a basic character flaw ... one need only look at the Golden Rule for the way to treat people.

Sooner or later, someone will return the favor. Like I said, you can only hope you're there to see they get what's coming to them or at least find out about it.

Then you can smile contently to yourself.

At 6:37 PM, November 24, 2006, Blogger Sancho. said...

Graciously accept her invitation,
at whatever time suits her, but then take a right to the nearest bar and have a cold one, and move on. RUN AS FAR AS YOU CAN.
If your paths cross in a couple years, marry her.


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