Approximately two weeks ago, I arrived at work to find an e-mail in my inbox from the person who broke my heart. Up until that point, I had heard little to nothing from her. The night before I received the e-mail I had a number of people asking me how I was doing and I was able to answer with confidence that things were actually going well. But, basically, this hit me like a ton of bricks. More accurately, a ton of bricks secured in a radioactive lead-lined container covered with sharp stakes.
While at first I handled it in a dignified manner, the truth is that I couldn’t imagine what motivated her to send it to me. I asked friends for their thoughts...and I thank them all for their feedback and support. What followed were countless e-mails and text messages between her and me that left me with the impression she very much wanted to be a part of my life once again. I asked if she was f***ing with me. She said she could never do that. I was torn. I was a wreck. Part of me was ecstatic. Part of me was desperate. My emotional stability was crumbling.
Yeah...life has been real fun.
Late last night I received a text message from her telling me to check my e-mail. So I did. Here’s what it said:
Please don't think I am blowing you off. I have realy been extremly busy. I
hired a new groomer and have been trying to prepare for her as well as the
thanksgiving rush. I have a busy weekend but can prob. get together on Sun. if
you want to meet for coffee or something. I would love to get back in touch with
you but I also feel the need to stress to you that I can offer you nothing more
than my friendship. [Name removed] and I are still together and doing very well. I hope the same is true of you. Again, I am not avoiding you. If you want to meet for coffee on Sun. let me know.
I crashed. Big time. What followed, starting at around 11pm, was me sending her e-mails, text messages and voice mails pretty much letting her know how I felt (which I’m sure you can imagine were all very pleasant). Then I went through a nice little purging exercise where I attempted to eliminate any remnant of communication we’d recently had. When I found myself sitting on the couch, staring blankly at the wall and literally shaking, I decided that the only way I would get any sleep would be if I self-medicated.
It’s amazing how I react to one Benadryl.
Now it’s 5am. Benadryl usually puts me down for much longer, but I woke up and shot out of bed, thoughts of last night racing through my head.
Yeah, I know. I’m probably not handling this in the best manner possible. I’m probably being melodramatic and could stand a good slap to the face and someone telling me to suck it up and be a man. But the truth is that I loved this woman more than anyone I have ever loved in my life. On one hand, that means that I have to deal with the pain of losing her...again. On the other hand, it means I have to come to terms with just how piss poor my judgment is when it comes to who I love.
Again. Life. Fun.
Anyway, I hope this is the last time that not only I have to deal with this situation, but also the last time you have to hear about it. The only post I had hoped to make today was a nice little video I made before anything happened last night...and oddly enough has nothing to do with any of it. I just liked the song (2 points if you know what show it’s from) and wanted to share.